Starting Fresh
I'm just coming off a 5 day migraine. Real doozy of one too. This sucker wasn't messing around. At one point I seriously considered trying to gouge my own eyes out for relief. That would come with its own set of consequences, but in the moment, irrationality is often alluring.
Friday I wok up once again throwing up, unable to open my eyes and in tremendous pain. So I decided to go in for help. I went to the regular family practice clinic to save myself the joys of the ER. They were kind and also super annoying. It's hard when I know what I need, but they want to go through 15 years of history.
At one point they asked me to verify my billing address and wanted to discuss how I like to learn. Really?
But once the nurse came in with warm blankets, and IV bag and syringes things really started to run around.
Spent a couple of hours laying in darkened treatment room, getting pumped full of fluid and drugs. Pain killers and anti nausea meds to be more specific. After 5 days of what I can only describe as total suffering, I finally started feeling a little better. I walked out of the office with my eyes slightly cracked open. #progress
"Why don't they let me have the liquid drugs at home?" I asked Chad, as he helped me into the car. "I love the liquid drugs."
"That's probably why," he replied.
Despite those mighty fine drugs, it didn't completely kick the headache. In fact this morning, I still feel the headache, but at least it's tolerable.
I have to say that generally, I feel pretty pissed. I know that's bad, but its honest. I'm so sick of this crap. I'm sick of dealing with it. I'm sick of these big bouts of agony. I'm tired. I'm nauseous. I feel tremendously isolated, but so irritable whenever anyone tries to talk to me. I feel completely unmotivated and yet frustrated that I'm not more productive. I'm scared because it seems to be getting worse again and grateful that it isn't something more serious. I wish it would kill me and I'm so relieved that it won't. Anything chronic is a frustrating, constant, emotional roller coaster and going into year 16 I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this. When I think about how long I could live and how much worse this could get I feel tremendously defeated.
I wish I had more faith. But at the moment I can barely imagine what more faith might look like or how I would get it.
I saw Mark (trainer) this morning and we made whole new list of things to try, both preventative and when I feel the headache coming on. He's been after me for months to track everything, so we struck a deal for 1 month of tracking. He's motivated to make another attempt to see if we can figure out the triggers. But where he sees so much promise, I see a big effort where I have to be hyper focused on every detail and feel even worse about all the things I don't eat, do, think perfectly.
So how's that for a mood? Depressed, dark and brooding. Pretty attractive, huh?
I'm going to go work on my Sunday school lesson, say a few prayers, sip a bottle of water and try to start acting like the person I actually want to be.
Friday I wok up once again throwing up, unable to open my eyes and in tremendous pain. So I decided to go in for help. I went to the regular family practice clinic to save myself the joys of the ER. They were kind and also super annoying. It's hard when I know what I need, but they want to go through 15 years of history.
At one point they asked me to verify my billing address and wanted to discuss how I like to learn. Really?
But once the nurse came in with warm blankets, and IV bag and syringes things really started to run around.
Spent a couple of hours laying in darkened treatment room, getting pumped full of fluid and drugs. Pain killers and anti nausea meds to be more specific. After 5 days of what I can only describe as total suffering, I finally started feeling a little better. I walked out of the office with my eyes slightly cracked open. #progress
"Why don't they let me have the liquid drugs at home?" I asked Chad, as he helped me into the car. "I love the liquid drugs."
"That's probably why," he replied.
Despite those mighty fine drugs, it didn't completely kick the headache. In fact this morning, I still feel the headache, but at least it's tolerable.
I have to say that generally, I feel pretty pissed. I know that's bad, but its honest. I'm so sick of this crap. I'm sick of dealing with it. I'm sick of these big bouts of agony. I'm tired. I'm nauseous. I feel tremendously isolated, but so irritable whenever anyone tries to talk to me. I feel completely unmotivated and yet frustrated that I'm not more productive. I'm scared because it seems to be getting worse again and grateful that it isn't something more serious. I wish it would kill me and I'm so relieved that it won't. Anything chronic is a frustrating, constant, emotional roller coaster and going into year 16 I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this. When I think about how long I could live and how much worse this could get I feel tremendously defeated.
I wish I had more faith. But at the moment I can barely imagine what more faith might look like or how I would get it.
I saw Mark (trainer) this morning and we made whole new list of things to try, both preventative and when I feel the headache coming on. He's been after me for months to track everything, so we struck a deal for 1 month of tracking. He's motivated to make another attempt to see if we can figure out the triggers. But where he sees so much promise, I see a big effort where I have to be hyper focused on every detail and feel even worse about all the things I don't eat, do, think perfectly.
So how's that for a mood? Depressed, dark and brooding. Pretty attractive, huh?
I'm going to go work on my Sunday school lesson, say a few prayers, sip a bottle of water and try to start acting like the person I actually want to be.
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