Letters from a weary traveler.
Dear Delta,
Thanks for the good seat tonight. Exit row aisle - we are bffs. I was a little worried about the teeter totter you call an exit ramp. That seemed a little unsafe, but I can overlook it because of the great seat.
Love,
1000 miles to a Silver Medallion
Dear fellow travelers,
I need to understand the psychology behind the sock monkey beanies. Really, you have a sock monkey head perched on top of a human head. And I didn't see just one of you, I saw many, many monkeys. I'll be honest I'm a little freaked out. I've never been a huge sock monkey fan, but I find the disembodied head perched on top of your actual head very disturbing.
Many thanks,
Me
Dear guy at baggage claim,
Couple of things - 1) take your feet off the luggage thingy. Your behavior seems quite dangerous. I'm worried you are about to get your leg ripped off. I have no desire to see that. 2) Put some socks on. It's January. In Chicago. Your feet will freeze. Seriously.
Yours truly,
a concerned mother (not your mother, I realize, but nevertheless)
Dear loquacious cab driver,
Good luck in your quest to lose 25 pounds and lower your blood pressure. You sound truly motivated and I believe you can do it. I have to be honest though the daily diet - 2 boiled egg whites, 2 apples, 2 boiled pieces of chicken, boiled cauliflower, bell pepper, parsnip and carrots and 2 cups of tea - this doesn't sound a like a diet you can maintain long term. I could be wrong, but I think you will be die from starvation or gag to death on all that boiled food.
Best to your BP,
Passenger
PS you forgot to give me a receipt. That's going to make the expense report tough.
Dear Hilton,
Really? You are now sponsoring the escalator hand rails in Ohare airport. Really??? That means there is official now where left to look without seeing an advertisement and the little Hilton chevrons racing by made me feel kind of dizzy.
Next I predict we will sell people's foreheads for advertising. It will be stupid, but there's literally no free space left in America.
Yours truly,
Sick of the constant media that surrounds me, and yet unwilling to turn off my iPhone, thankful I can live with irony
Dear Chicago,
You missed me didn't you?? Not to worry. I'm back. I can see that you are a little upset I went to New York last time. Dropped the temp to an icy 24 and threatening snow flurries all week. You realize I don't always get a say in the meeting locations, right? So throwing this winter hissy fit will really get you no where. Ok, as long as you know.
Missed you too,
Lisa
PS. You didn't tell me Wicked was playing here! I'm seriously thinking about trying to get a ticket tomorrow night, but I know I'll have to work. Maybe I can come back...
Dear Chad,
Want to make a quick trip to the windy city?
Love,
Your 'Wicked' wife
Dear self,
Getting excited when your arrival gate is near your favorite bookstore in the airport makes you really lame. Just sayin'.
love,
me, or is it you, no it's me
Dear head,
Enough already. 4 days of a monkey with a new drum kit beating the living daylights out of my brain. What's it going to take? Really what? You want money? They just upped the credit limit on my AMEX. Take it. Buy all the Ginko Biloba you can stand. Get a hat or two, or 10. I'll give you anything you want. Anything. Just stop the infernal pounding. I'm two steps away from the ER, or the funny farm. Or both.
How about a truce? You give me two days off, so I can go to this important meeting without the head splitting pain and I'll let you have all weekend to kick my trash. I'm willing to trade you - 2 days for 3. That's a good deal. I'll give you tonight to think about it.
Love,
praying for relief
Dear praying,
Be grateful for your trials. They make you tough and humble.
Yours,
Faith
Dear faith,
Shut up.
Love,
me
Thanks for the good seat tonight. Exit row aisle - we are bffs. I was a little worried about the teeter totter you call an exit ramp. That seemed a little unsafe, but I can overlook it because of the great seat.
Love,
1000 miles to a Silver Medallion
Dear fellow travelers,
I need to understand the psychology behind the sock monkey beanies. Really, you have a sock monkey head perched on top of a human head. And I didn't see just one of you, I saw many, many monkeys. I'll be honest I'm a little freaked out. I've never been a huge sock monkey fan, but I find the disembodied head perched on top of your actual head very disturbing.
Many thanks,
Me
Dear guy at baggage claim,
Couple of things - 1) take your feet off the luggage thingy. Your behavior seems quite dangerous. I'm worried you are about to get your leg ripped off. I have no desire to see that. 2) Put some socks on. It's January. In Chicago. Your feet will freeze. Seriously.
Yours truly,
a concerned mother (not your mother, I realize, but nevertheless)
Dear loquacious cab driver,
Good luck in your quest to lose 25 pounds and lower your blood pressure. You sound truly motivated and I believe you can do it. I have to be honest though the daily diet - 2 boiled egg whites, 2 apples, 2 boiled pieces of chicken, boiled cauliflower, bell pepper, parsnip and carrots and 2 cups of tea - this doesn't sound a like a diet you can maintain long term. I could be wrong, but I think you will be die from starvation or gag to death on all that boiled food.
Best to your BP,
Passenger
PS you forgot to give me a receipt. That's going to make the expense report tough.
Dear Hilton,
Really? You are now sponsoring the escalator hand rails in Ohare airport. Really??? That means there is official now where left to look without seeing an advertisement and the little Hilton chevrons racing by made me feel kind of dizzy.
Next I predict we will sell people's foreheads for advertising. It will be stupid, but there's literally no free space left in America.
Yours truly,
Sick of the constant media that surrounds me, and yet unwilling to turn off my iPhone, thankful I can live with irony
Dear Chicago,
You missed me didn't you?? Not to worry. I'm back. I can see that you are a little upset I went to New York last time. Dropped the temp to an icy 24 and threatening snow flurries all week. You realize I don't always get a say in the meeting locations, right? So throwing this winter hissy fit will really get you no where. Ok, as long as you know.
Missed you too,
Lisa
PS. You didn't tell me Wicked was playing here! I'm seriously thinking about trying to get a ticket tomorrow night, but I know I'll have to work. Maybe I can come back...
Dear Chad,
Want to make a quick trip to the windy city?
Love,
Your 'Wicked' wife
Dear self,
Getting excited when your arrival gate is near your favorite bookstore in the airport makes you really lame. Just sayin'.
love,
me, or is it you, no it's me
Dear head,
Enough already. 4 days of a monkey with a new drum kit beating the living daylights out of my brain. What's it going to take? Really what? You want money? They just upped the credit limit on my AMEX. Take it. Buy all the Ginko Biloba you can stand. Get a hat or two, or 10. I'll give you anything you want. Anything. Just stop the infernal pounding. I'm two steps away from the ER, or the funny farm. Or both.
How about a truce? You give me two days off, so I can go to this important meeting without the head splitting pain and I'll let you have all weekend to kick my trash. I'm willing to trade you - 2 days for 3. That's a good deal. I'll give you tonight to think about it.
Love,
praying for relief
Dear praying,
Be grateful for your trials. They make you tough and humble.
Yours,
Faith
Dear faith,
Shut up.
Love,
me
Comments
I really enjoyed this post (and all others, of course) you are such a talented writer. I laughed out loud and I will have to read this Cameron now. Thank you for the entertainment!